CHAPTER 1...PEOPLE

PEOPLE...THE BEST THING AND WORST THING IN LIFE .

CHAPTER 2...WHY I LOVE NEWFOUNDLANDERS

A NEWFOUNDLAND LADY GOT MARRIED...HER RELATIVES DIDN'T SHOW UP...SHE GIVES A TOAST...TELLS THE GUESTS THAT DID COME THAT HER RELATIVES CAN GO FUCK THEMSELVES .

...AND THAT IS WHY I LOVE NEWFOUNDLANDERS .

CHAPTER 3...TROLLS

I HAVE NEVER SEEN A TROLL...NOR A SASQUATCH...AS YOU READ THIS BOOK...REMEMBER THAT LITTLE FACT .

...BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN JUST ABOUT EVERY OTHER FUCKING THING .

CHAPTER 4...MY FIRST DAY IN CHURCH...

MY MOTHER  TOOK ME TO CHURCH WHEN I WAS FIVE...I RAN OUT THE DOOR... DOWN THE HALL...AND OUT THE FRONT DOOR AS FAST AS MY LITTLE LEGS COULD TAKE ME .

THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER APPARENTLY CRIED...I GOT PICKED UP BY A COP AND HE TOOK ME FOR A RIDE AND BOUGHT ME CANDY .

THE PLACE WAS FUCKING HAUNTED...( THE CHURCH , NOT THE CANDY SHOP ) .

CHAPTER 5...SOME PEOPLE ARE BETTER AT LOVE THAN OTHERS

THE GOOD THING ABOUT YOUR FATHER GETTING DRUNK AND BREAKING SHIT OVER YOU...IS THAT SOMEBODY...SOONER OR LATER...WILL GIVE YOU A BIT OF SYMPATHY .

A BIT , THAT IS...A SMALL , INCY-TINCY BIT .

CHAPTER 6...SEXUAL PURITY

ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS THAT I DISCERNED ABOUT CHURCH WAS...(A)...HOW "SEXUALLY PURE" THEY SUGGESTED RATHER STRONGLY THEY WERE...AND...( B )...HOW  OVERLY CONCERNED THEY WERE ABOUT WHAT I DID WITH MY PRIVATE PARTS .

NOW HERE IS THE SHIT , MOTHER FUCKER...YOU SIMPLY CANNOT BE "SEXUALLY PURE" AND CONSUMED WITH THE SEXUAL IDENTITY OF SOMEONE YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW...IT JUST DON'T WORK .

AND FOR THE RECORD...ANYONE WHO STANDS IN FRONT OF A CROWED AND BRAGS ABOUT THEIR SEXUAL RIGHTEOUSNESS...AIN'T !!!

CHAPTER 7...PIXIES

I HAVE NOT SEEN ONE OF THOSE , EITHER .

DID YOU KNOW ICELAND HAS DESIGNATED AREAS FOR TROLLS TO FUCK AROUND IN ???